Teen Guest Blogger

Guest Blogger, Brea
Brea is a fifteen year old Florida native. She was born and raised in the Tampa Bay area and has had a passion for writing ever since she learned to write. An out-of-the box thinker, she is dedicated to writing creative pieces that everyone can relate to and inserting creative lessons and messages into her writing. Brea plans to continue fulfilling her dream of being a writer by participating in her school newspaper and taking many classes and workshops to enhance her skills.

As teens we feel that we’re carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. Extra pressure such as the pressure to be perfect, to fit in and other social pressures get intense sometimes. We often feel that we need someone or something to satisfy us and to make us feel better whether it’s drugs or alcohol, high fashion clothes and items, popularity, or even a boyfriend or girlfriend. The real question that no one ever thinks twice about is, “Do we need all of this?” We look at the externally beautiful men and women in magazine ads and on television and we try our hardest to look and be like them. It’s truly hard when we look for the right answers and the messages that we receive are, “If you use this product girls or guys will be all over you,” or “If you look like this person he or she will notice you.”

The more we strive to be perfect the harder life will get. It is important to remember that beauty lies on the inside not on the outside. You can choose to be the prettiest girl in the room and have a bad attitude therefore making everyone disrespect you, or you could choose the opposite. When you are on the outside looking in it’s easy to think others are perfect. Just remember – that’s a myth; no one is perfect.

According to www.familyfirstaid.org, “Teen suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among young adults and adolescents 15-24 years of age.” This rate is growing and will continue to grow as long as peer pressure and bullying exist in our lives. A wise woman once told me to never compare yourself to others because it only makes you more miserable. As long as you believe in yourself you will soon realize that you are beautiful and that is a pride that no one can ever take from you.

Tips on How to Avoid Pressure

1. If you are feeling too pressured try writing your feelings down. It helps you let out your emotions in a private way. After writing it down dispose it.
2. Keep in mind that reality television is mostly false. They’re getting paid to fight and party so there’s no pressure to be and act like them to get what you want. It won’t work!
3. Be yourself. Teens always grow up too fast but you have all the time in the world to do the things you want to do in adulthood. Chances are by the time you’re an adult you won’t even remember because something more important will be on your mind.
4. Every day look in the mirror and tell yourself one positive thing about yourself. (eg. Sally I love the color of your eyes or you’re extremely smart. Sally, keep up the good work.)
5. Keep in mind that the models in ads don’t look like that in real life. Technology makes their eyes sparkle and their flaws fade. Even beauty queens have flaws.
6. Your peers are always going to be your hardest critics so be selective. Listen to the important positive comments that you want to hear and zone out the negative comments that aren’t important to you.

It’s All In The “How”

Have you ever heard someone says, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it”? Most of us do all we can to say things in the best way we know how. We don’t usually intentionally say things to hurt others or try to make ineffective statements. But, we often do just that. We say or write words that are not as effective as they could be.

My coworkers sent me this really short, but powerful video demonstrating this point perfectly. Check it out:

I believe the first step in expressing ourselves more effectively is to become aware of what we’re saying and how we’re saying it. This can take some time and discipline, but it does get easier and pays off exponentially in every area of life.  A second step is to think about our intention in saying whatever it is we want to say.  How do we intend to impact the listener or reader with our words?  How do we want to influence their thinking and emotions?  Third, and this one can be quite challenging, we must ask ourselves, “Is there a better way to communicate this?  Should I use an example, story or some other illustration?  Or, should I be respectfully direct?”

These are just a few ways we can begin to be more effective communicators.  I would love to hear your suggestions as well.

Break Out of Routines!

Let’s face it! We get bored. Life loses the glitz! Then what? When we’re in a couple relationship we think that it must be he – it must be she who is the problem. If only I could change, or even get rid of him or her, things would improve. Right? Wrong!

Most of the time, we simply need to begin thinking new thoughts and doing new things. But breaking out of routines isn’t that easy. After all, the ruts are pretty deep – especially if we’ve traveled in them year after year.

So, instead of logging onto your favorite social networking sight to see whom you can commiserate with or see who’s posted the latest YouTUBE video, think about something new and creative to do with the love of your life.

Here are a few ways to begin. But before I move into that, I need to give credit to a site I stumbled across this afternoon when I googled “breaking out of routines.” Yes, I confess. There are times – many times when I don’t feel creative and need someone to help me get the creativity flowing. This site is completely unrelated to what I’ll use it for, but quite interesting: http://tinyurl.com/2umaoxg

I borrow from Leo when I encourage you to:

1. Have ONE GOAL: Many times we want to save more money, plan the perfect vacation for ourselves and our partner, find the BEST childcare for Emma and run the ½ marathon all within the next 3.5 weeks. Focus on ONE … one simple, doable, manageable goal. Like smiling at your partner when he/she walks in the door every day for an entire week. Offer to do one errand for him or her twice per week for a whole month. Text your partner at least once a day – and make it something more than, “pickd up mlk”.

2. Get Excited: To be able to break out of your rut, get excited about your one goal. You may say: “WHAT? Excited about smiling at my wife?” If you don’t do it regularly you can get excited about what may happen when you start!!

3. Post your goal: But preferably not where your partner will see it!! Remind yourself in your calendar, your phone, at your desk. Somewhere that is accessible to YOU.

4. Think about your goal daily: Or more importantly: think about the person whose life will be impacted by your small, incremental advances! Your partner’s AND yours!! Don’t forget: deciding to relate with more love and affection will spill over in ways you can’t imagine! That reminds me of a commercial (I can’t remember what company was advertised) where one person’s kind deed impacted another, then another, and yet another … until many peoples’ experiences were touched. YOU are that change agent!

5. Get support: Have you ever decided to go back to school, run a marathon or change your career at midlife? Making changes is tough! Don’t be a lone ranger. Even if you think your goals are SO SMALL, “even a caveman can do it”, tell someone and get their support. Someone who respects, understands and supports you as a person as well as you in your relationship. If you truly don’t have anyone to talk with about your goal, you can leave a comment at the end of this post or visit the website www.youandmewe.org and click on “contact us” and leave a personal message.

6. Don’t Give Up: Yesterday a colleague of mine told me about an experience she just had. Out of every person who is or ever has been enrolled in her personal fitness boot camp, she is the only person to have reached her one year goal. Impressive! Was she motivated EVERY DAY? I doubt it! No person ever FEELS motivated to reach a goal every single day. Even if you don’t feel like it, c’mon and do it!! Doing something will rekindle that motivation.

7. Start Small. Stick with ONE THING: If you’re having a hard time getting started you may not have decided on ONLY ONE thing or you’ve not found something easily doable. Trust me – 1 smile when she walks in the door! 1 text per day – hon, thnkn bout ya <3 – will go a LONG WAY! (Well, you may need to change it up a tad bit with the texts!!)

8. Start Building: ONLY when you’ve focused on a week – 2 weeks – a month of consistently working on your small, miniscule goal, should you add more. The reason? If you add too quickly, your additions may snowball and suddenly you feel overwhelmed. It’s THAT STATE that will kill your success. It’s not the relationship; it’s not the goal; it’s the sense of being overwhelmed that leaves us feeling that what we’re attempting is of no use.

9. Think Positively: There will always be the little voice (or the negative people) that will say: This is crazy! You can’t revitalize a whole RELATIONSHIP with such small stuff. When those thoughts or comments come, shift your focus to his contented face. Visualize her arms around you in gratitude for your thoughtfulness. Isn’t it at least worth a try? What do you have to lose?

10. Share Your Success: I can almost guarantee that after a consistent week or two, or after a month, you will notice a shift. I can’t predict WHAT it will be, but I’m certain that there will be one. When that happens, tell someone! There is power in telling your story. It motivates someone else and it will give you ideas of how to build on your success. Every time you share your story, someone will take a small part of it and run with it! And, more often than not, you will hear a small part of their story, which, in turn will be wind under your wings to move forward as well.

Thanks Leo! Your creativity was wind under my wings.

Vacation: Dilemma or Opportunity?

A SUMMER VACATION!! YAY! Honey, can we afford it? Can you get time off work? How much time and when? What would be fun for us, but also for the kids?

It seems we anticipate summer with great excitement, but then struggle to find positive things to do that will leave every family member satisfied and refreshed.

There is great advice around that will help you cut corners and think creatively when planning family vacations. One such article appeared in Good Housekeeping in May 2011. You can read it for yourself at http://tinyurl.com/4xohzbn. Here you will learn how to find deals without being overrun by annoying promotional emails, and how to use other resources to significantly reduce the costs of lodging, travel and food. For a wide range of creative, fun things to do with kids, go to www.wejustgotback.com.

But how about when you and the love of your life want to get away alone? Every couple needs times with no kids, no in-laws, no “friends” and no work! How can that happen without guilt, breaking the bank or fighting about what would be MOST fun for the few, precious hours you have together? IT CAN BE DONE!!

Here are a few things that may get you planning…

1) Adopt a “this-will-work” attitude. This may be the most important piece to the puzzle.

2) If there is a question of who will stay with the kids in your absence, talk with friends who may have similar needs. Possibly you could swap kids – you stay with theirs, they stay with yours. If it’s for a long weekend and not a month, this is doable!! Grandparents, godparents or young-at-heart aunts / uncles are also options for your brood while you take time to play. Some couples have found well coordinated summer camp schedules to be a good solution for the kids while they’re away.

3) Be clear about your budget. Sit down and speak realistically about what is feasible for you. Don’t forget to maintain that “this-will-work” attitude. If you cannot get out of town, see where you could stay for a few nights. If you check hotel, cottage, bed and breakfast options within a 50 mile radius, you may find something that is quite affordable when not coupled with $100’s in gas or airfare.

4) Consider 2 meals per day to cut costs and still give you the option of a nice romantic dinner or two while you’re away. Whether you’re heading to the art galleries, hiking, swimming or reading on the beach, several bottles of water, some fruit and trail mix can usually tie you over until you head back to your lodging to clean up for dinner. Of course, a stop for a gelato or latte on your way may be a necessity!

5) But I hear some couples saying: “Our interests are SO different. We can’t possibly agree on what we do and where we go.” While you will need to agree on SOME things, why not consider a block of time in which each of you does your own thing? If you are a golf enthusiast and your partner would rather visit the local antique car display, DO IT!! There is no rule that ties you to spend EVERY moment of your couple vacation together. When we are secure enough to free the other to enjoy their particular interest, we are much freer to come back together enthusiastically and passionately. Be prepared, then, to listen to and share your respective experiences with your partner. This allows you into each other’s world of enjoyment and fulfillment.

6) Choose one unique, “together event” during your time away. It may be a 4 hour hike along a path you’ve always wanted to see. It could be wandering through a traveling art exhibit at a local gallery. Or possibly you may want to purchase something small for your house. Choose something that can easily fit into your vehicle, yet serve to remind you both of a wonderful time together. But remember: it needs to fit your budget. If it stretches you too much, you will have a bitter twinge every time you see that piece.

7) Never underestimate the memories that can be created when you spend under $20, travel less than 15 miles, have no agenda, choose to avoid every reference to stress, work or disagreements, shut off every electronic device for a few hours and focus on your partner with abandon! This could be the best vacation yet! Try it! You have absolutely NOTHING to lose!!

Go Local Before You Go Loco!

Every feel like you’re going crazy? Well stress can do that to anyone. It’s very important to take time for yourself as well as time for yourself and your partner. Vacations can be just the thing you need to create awesome memories and rejuvenate yourself and your relationship. Here’s a secret to planning a quick getaway.

You don’t have to go very far to get away. You can go local before you go loco. If you didn’t know this already, “loco” is a Spanish word for “crazy.” Of course, I’m not using this word in a clinical sense, but getting away can be a critical part of your overall mental health. Now, back to the point. . .you don’t have to go far to have a vacation. You can take short, close to home vacations. Just last night my wife showed me a Groupon deal for a hotel in St. Petersburg, FL for only $69.00. We could go there on 1/4 tank of gas and be there in less than an hour. Have you ever moved away from an area and then returned and stayed in a different part of that area? I did and I had an awesome time.

I was born and raised in Philadelphia, PA but had never returned to stay in a part of the city other than where I had lived. One year I went back on business and stayed downtown. It was like I was staying in an entirely different place. I had never seen Philly in that way. I had an awesome time. And, so can you. Try staying in another part of your area (in a safe part of course) and you’ll probably see what I’m talking about.

You and your partner really can get away and get refreshed without having to go far and spend too much money. Why not give it try!

Round and Round We Go!

Have you ever gone round and round on a topic to the extent that you don’t have any idea where it started nor what a solution might be? Many marriage and relationship experts say that money tends to be this kind of topic for couples.

Last week Michael wrote about some practical things that can begin to alleviate the financial burden. I hope that got you thinking. Let’s continue the conversation and see where it takes us.

When you realize that you have to deal with your financial stress…

1) Be on the same team as your spouse / partner and your family. Sit down and brainstorm together about what you can do to reduce spending and free up much needed finances. If your children are old enough to involve in the discussion, include them.

Assuming you have already addressed the mortgage and car payments, this team-conversation could address the day-to-day, smaller areas of spending. How can you reduce what you spend on food? Could you cut the number of times you eat out by half? Could you take a lunch to work? How about learning to clip and use coupons? Can you take the time to cook larger quantities from scratch and freeze for future meals? Are there ways to reduce your electrical bill? What could you change about your entertainment budget? Are there things you could do that are truly fun but are free? Possibly bike riding as a family, teaching the kids to throw a baseball / football, picnics in the park or on the beach? Family movie night has gotten much more affordable since Redbox or Netflix. Buy popcorn to pop in your microwave instead of picking up the ready-to-eat popcorn.

2) Be creative. There are ways in which you might be able to increase your income. Sit down together with your partner and talk about each of your strengths. Take a 3rd party approach in which you look at yourselves as an outside person sees you. What service or product could you package and “sell”? What seems mundane and normal to you may be a skill or service another would willingly pay money to receive. Some people are amazing cooks. Others have a knack for electronic equipment repair. Some are walking IT “experts”! Whatever it is … could you earn money doing it?

Possibly you could get together with several other couples who know you well and who may know of your situation. Some of them may have / have had similar experiences. You could become one another’s advisors. Assess each other’s strengths and possibilities, encouraging each other to think outside the box.

3) Stay positive. Probably the most deadly enemy of financial stress is becoming discouraged and hopeless. The more resumes you send out, the more tired you become of the cycle. Make a list of ALL of your strengths and skills – even the things you don’t find all that astounding! Be sure to include the good things in your relationship. When you are discouraged, read the list outloud and remind yourself of the qualities and qualifications that are YOURS and yours alone! No one can replace you.

4) Develop other “resources”.
* When money is tight, develop your sense of humor!
* Learn to be grateful for what you have: health, loved ones, friends, memories, dreams.
* Learn persistence. Do what you know you need to do today. Tomorrow. This week. Next month.
* Celebrate everything! The start of the weekend. The start of the week. A sunny day. Johnny’s tooth falling out. Your sweetheart’s attempt at a new recipe. Find joy in the small, seemingly mundane things.

As you develop these invaluable resources, you will realize that you need no money to develop them! They are available to anyone who will take the time to be reflective and thankful. Amazingly, these resources are difficult to develop when money’s no issue and all the bills are paid.

Any crisis can be turned around to be your servant. Use it to learn new skills, develop new competencies and release potential you didn’t know you had. I’d love to hear what has worked for you, what you’ve learned about navigating financial stresses and how you are staying on course.

Dollars and Sense

I recently heard a gentlemen on the radio talking about how his relationship with his wife is suffering because he is unemployed. They were both out of work for a while, but then she found a job. Now he feels that the fact that she is bringing in money and he is not has become a wedge in their relationship. Has this happened to anyone you know?

The lack of household finances can be so stressful that it can literally rip families apart. There are several core issues responsible for this, some of which are actually gender related. First, men who lose their job and are unable to find employment or adequate employment may feel demoralized and begin to develop self-esteem issues. Career, bread-winning, and security are often believed to be at least part of a man’s responsibility. When he is unable to fulfill those responsibilities he may begin to feel like less of man. This can cause him to participate in self-destructive behaviors as well as lash out at the kids and, of course, at his partner.

If both partners were working and the woman of the house loses her job, she may feel like she is failing at her duties to provide a stable home environment for her children and family in general. Depending on how integral her career, self-concept and self-esteem is, she may also feel demoralized and fall into depression or something just short of it.

When the credit cards, house payment or rent, power bills, groceries, gas, and expenses for school are not able to be paid, a tremendous amount of stress is placed on the family unit. Partners often release their stress on each other. Sometimes, partners begin to blame each other or accuse the other of not doing enough to improve the situation. Other times, they blame the system and lose hope in their future and ability to recover. When it gets to this point, couples often split up because they no longer like each other and are simply not able to communicate safely anymore. Everything becomes an argument. This kind of an environment becomes very stressful and uncomfortable. To relieve the stress, the partners separate.

What can be done about this ever-so-common situation? Here are a few tips:

1. Be aware that the financial situation is probably causing the tension and try not to take it out on the other person. Awareness alone can alleviate some of the tension and help one properly direct ones frustrations.
2. Also, be aware that the financial situation could be revealing deeper issues that need to be addressed.
3. Be willing to lose it all. When my wife and I went through devastating financial crises several years ago, we realized at some point that in order to move forward and maintain our sanity and a healthy relationship, we would have to let go of anything and everything if that became necessary. We were confident that we could recover, but only after we let go. Holding on to the house or car could cause so much stress that it would become overwhelming, whereas letting it go would offer a sense of control and freedom (in spite of screwing up ones credit for a while But, credit can be repaired.
4. Be creative and flexible. Everything has changed and continues to change constantly. You may not be able to work in the same industry at the same rate of pay. You may have to move to a different location. You may have to get into a smaller house or drive a different car. You may need to start your own small business in addition to working a couple of other smaller gigs. Often this flexibility turns out to be the best thing that could have happened to you.
5. Talk with your children about the pending changes and get them involved in this new way of living.
6. Get rid of credit and go cash! Bill collectors can cause a lot of stress. Every time the phone rings, one may wonder is that another bill collector? Consolidate or get rid of them. You’ll feel better in the long run and it may save your relationship and health.

I know this list is not exhaustive, however, I hope it is helpful. Most of us do go through financial crises at one time or another, but they don’t have to destroy our families, relationships, careers, health and sense of dignity. You may have to shift our thinking, attitudes and expectations, but this shift may turn out to be a very positive turning point in your life and the life of your entire family.

We applaud GOOD men!

A Few Good Men

What do Arnold Schwarzenegger, Donald Trump, and Dominique Strauss-Kahn have in common? All of them are powerful. All of them are public figures. All of them are men. And all of them have been in the news for sexual indiscretions, sexist attitudes and, in some cases, alleged crimes.

To know about these news stories is to have an opinion about them. People argue about the validity of a variety of these stories, however, I would argue that even if only ONE story on each of them is true, THAT is enough to raise some serious conversation.

But rather than focus on these men per se, let’s think about what this type of man is bringing to our society, our public spheres (business, sports, politics and religion) and into our marriages and families.

All three of these men (and many others who are engaged in similarly despicable lifestyles) are married! When someone marries, they publicly declare that they are giving up all other options, they promise to be faithful, true, respectful and self-sacrificing. How ludicrous, then, to make excuses for someone who lives a lie AND disrespects another human being.

You may say: I am not like that. I love and respect my wife and children. I would never treat them with contempt and dishonor. If that’s you – I applaud you! You deserve to be honored and thanked publicly.

But even if you are a faithful, honoring and loving partner and parent, you are STILL impacted by the myriads of Schwarzeneggers, Trumps and Strauss-Kahns (and we can add many other names) of the world. Every time a woman or child is abused through infidelity, disrespect, control or objectification, the luster on healthy relationships loses a little of its gleam. Why is that? It’s because we are all inter-connected as the human race, as a culture and as a nation.

I appeal to you, GOOD men!! Those of you who love, honor, respect and are faithful to your women and children. Stand up and let your voice be heard over the snickers and justifications of why these mens’ disrespectful behavior can be excused. Talk with your wives / partners and let them know how angry you are about men who threaten to put a blight on ALL mens’ characters. Stand up to your buddies and refuse to watch a sporting event or news broadcast where blatant abusers are the heroes or hosts. Teach your sons and daughters that in order to have a healthy, happy, long-term relationship – creating a family in which everyone will be valued and encouraged to thrive – these attitudes of entitlement and self-indulgence cannot be tolerated.

Good men: I applaud you for being a role model at home! I urge you to become one in the marketplace – in your place of work, in your community, the sports club and in your place of worship. We need YOUR voice.

I want to hear from you! What can YOU do … what HAVE YOU done to foster health for everyone – men, women and children? Please leave your comments …

Secrets

Have you ever kept a secret from your partner?  Are there things better left unsaid?  Or should we be 100% forthcoming at all times?  Unfortunately, I cannot answer these questions for you.  I can, however, give you my opinion.  The politically correct answer to this question is yes, one should be completely honest at all times with one’s partner.  Personally, I’m not so sure any of us could “handle the truth” the pure truth, 100% of the time.

Here are a few reasons why I made the above statement.

1. If I cannot trust my partner then I have to ask myself if I have married the right person or if I have trust issues.  Either answer warrants deeper reflection and perhaps some hard work.

2. We are all growing and in various phases of life.  We are all flawed. Which means we do not always tell the truth about everything, no matter how much we would like to think that we should.  That being said, our goal is to work toward living a life of complete transparency.  That is, having that feeling of freedom from guilt and knowing that you don’t have anything to hide.  This means doing what’s right in the first place, owning up to mistakes when we make them and doing our best not to keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

3. Because we are human, we are simply incapable of handling complete knowledge of ourselves or one another.  If my wife and I told each other everything we had said, thought or done we would probably be divorced by now.  I am aware of my own flaws and some of hers.  I am also aware of how much I trust her and not because I think she ALWAYS tells me everything.  I trust her because she has proven to be a trustworthy person, in my estimation, does not require her to be flawless.  For me, trusting her does not require that I know everything, nor would I want to.  Getting to this point takes time and is a sign of a mature relationship.  It is also a sign that we both have or have developed the core characteristics of a healthy, honest, open and trusting relationship.

Recognizing my flaws helps me be less judgmental of others.  I can still have high standards, but I can also have more mercy and grace towards others.  Understanding that I may not want or need to know everything about my partner is a personal decision based on experience and trust.  If I have to check my wife’s cell phone, text messages and emails, then we have some work to do on many different levels in our relationship.  Finally, I want to live life with a sense of freedom.  Therefore, I do my best NOT to do things I know are wrong.  On on the occasions when I do, I address the issue immediately, quickly and find ways to keep the behavior from recurring.  And, then I move on.

In some cases, when secrets get out, and they often do, the consequences are painful and costly as in the case of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tiger Woods.  How they are addressed can determine how one deals with similar future situations and therefore, ones ultimate maturity.  So, what are your thoughts about secrets?  Should some things be kept silent?  Should we tell everything?

More About Assessing the Health of a Relationship BEFORE Saying “I Do”

Just a few days ago an estimated 23 million Americans (and more worldwide) were enamored by a beautiful, porcelain princess and a devoted, rugged prince who exchanged vows “for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer” in London’s prestigious Westminster Abbey. Yes, I admit it. I was awake around 6:15 AM EDT and caught part of the pomp and ceremony! I realized, as I read FB entries, that this was hardly a “woman’s thing.” Men reportedly sat in rapt attention, watching, while their wives and kids slept peacefully!

What is it about weddings and marriage that elicits such a romantic outpouring from people of all walks of life in many parts of the world? I would venture that none of us could even begin to identify with what marriage will mean for this British couple, yet it seems these events fill us with the hope that happiness and fulfillment in relationships is possible. And it is possible! Some key elements can even make it extremely PROBABLE!

If you are or someone you love is considering marriage there may be some things to do other than to focus on the beauty and glamour (however simple or elaborate) of the actual wedding day. Before you make a lifelong commitment: Stop! Take a few steps back! And assess!

Here are a few points to consider:

* How long have I known or dated this person? Consider a year to be an absolute minimum to truly find out about another person. A rule of thumb is to go through at least 1 season together prior to making a commitment (i.e. promising to marry).

* Do I know this person in a variety of settings? Someone may be very different at work than she is at a family gathering, for example. Or, he may be the perfect gentleman when the two of you are quite agreed upon a decision. What is he like when someone else irritates him and has a conflicting opinion?

* Have you “played it forward?” This is a phrase I first heard from a colleague. Basically it means: project ahead 5, 10, 15 years. Will what initially attracted you to this person still hold its allure?

These reflections should pre-date diamonds, champagne, satin, lace and silk. They are critical to creating a solid foundation for a long, satisfying relationship.